MUSING #22 - Change in language, Change in life

MUSE:

My recent shift in language around my tasks for each week.

MUSING: 

I have been a list person for as long as I can remember. At the very least since I was first assigned homework as a kid. I’d feel the need to make a list of all the work I needed to do and go through it. This habit proved very usual as my school load and activities increased over the years. These lists would go in my weekly planner, or a notebook, or even a post-it note. It didn’t much matter as long as I can see it when I needed to. As I transitioned out of college and into adult living, I still made lists, but they became longer and longer as I put life tasks and work tasks together in one list that seemed to keep growing. Often I’d loose the piece of paper or post-it note I wrote it on, and would have to start over. I noticed that the lists began to make me feel anxious, and I’d often avoid even looking at them. 

A few years ago I tried a new strategy of Bullet Journaling. This system suggested organizing one’s schedule and Task List by Month, Week, and Day. I liked this, for it helped me keep the lists short. If there was something that needed to be done, but not right away, I could put it on the Month or Week page. But I found that tasks on those lists very often didn’t get done, and kept being moved over to the next week, or even month. And though I liked keeping all the lists and my schedule organized in one notebook, I only kept it up for a year. Why did I stop? I’m not really sure, but I went through a period of not having much to ‘do.’ I was staying with family, and traveling, so my daily tasks were whatever my family needed that day. I didn’t have bills or deadlines to meet, so I was just going with the flow. But eventually that ended and I started my lists again. Though I kept some of the tools from Bullet Journalling, I also tried to make it more relaxed. Just a ‘To Do’ this month, and then each day a list of what I’d try to get done. Very quickly the anxiety took over again, and I found myself avoiding the lists completely, then feeling even more shitty whenever I thought about how much I wasn’t getting done. 

The first shift in how I approached the lists was by limiting the amount of things to be my daily tasks. This suggestion came from my therapist who encouraged me to only put three things on my list each day. Three is a very doable number! And if I got through those three and happened to do more, even better! I truly felt a difference when I started doing this. But I still found myself avoiding certain tasks, and moving them from one month to the next. I knew something beyond my list technique would have to change. My perspective needed to. 

I’ve mentioned in an earlier post that I participated in the Momentum Education workshop a few weekends ago. We had many conversations and exercises around the concepts of beliefs, trust, integrity, and vulnerability over the three day workshop. A common thread between all the sections was the importance of perception and awareness: being aware of our beliefs and how they influence our actions; being aware of our subconscious reactions from our perceptions of others and how we trust. One exercise asked us to be aware of what we don’t like to do... things we feel we have to do, but creates a negative reaction. One such activity I put was responding to emails and text. I personally hate communicating that way. Yes I can see the many benefits of emails and the convenience of texting, but responding to them is a common item on my lists that I avoid. 

The point of the exercise was to show us that if we didn’t do the tasks the world wouldn’t end! That it feels that way sometimes, but in truth we are still choosing to do these tasks, and if we truly didn’t want to we’d find away to not have to. The conversation that followed reminded us that many times, we actually want to do these things, but we’ve been perceiving them as HAVE TO DO tasks. What would happen if we changed our perspective to “I GET to do these things” or even a WANT TO DO list. In the weeks since the workshop, I’ve actually noticed an amazing change in my anxiety related to the lists. All I’ve really changed physically is writing “I want to do this week” at the top of the page, rather than “To Do.” This difference helps with my anxiety, reminding me how lucky I am to have time and ability to handle these tasks, and that no one is making me. I am choosing to, I want to, and therefore I do it.