MUSING #14 : Friendly Words

MUSE: Watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and seeing an interaction between RuPaul and a queen about the importance of true friends to get through tough times. It made me extremely emotional, as I feel my friends have been triggering me more than supporting me recently. 

MUSING: I’ve been battling with depression for many years, and intense episodes of depression (lasting two weeks or longer) happen for many reasons from family tension, career missteps, living/roommate situations, and relationship issues. I am very open with my depression, especially with close friends. I am considered among my friends as supportive, patient, and understanding. They come to me when they need someone to talk to, last minute help on a project, and when they need somewhere to stay. To put it simply, I am reliable. But at the same time, because of my depression, I am not. I am open with people that I will always show up when I can, but at times I truly can’t show up even for myself. And because of this, I am also patient and understanding when they can’t show up and drop the ball on something they’d agreed to. I think this patience and understanding is a positive quality, but I have been noticing more negative outcomes. 

For example, I feel I’ve become the person people don’t need to follow up or follow through with, because I’m ‘so understanding and patient’. I have multiple people in my life saying how much they care for me and want to support me, but when it actually comes time to do so, they don’t put the effort or time in to back up their words. So in a sense, all I receive is words but no action. Which is very hard when it feels like words can be fake and manipulative (that’s where my anxious and depressed mind goes) and actions feels real and sincere. I feel hurt and confused by being in relationships that relies on words rather than actions, and who’s actions actually contradict their words, but then I seem to get in a place of feeling like I just have to be okay with it, or can’t make a big deal of it, because they say they love me. But if they truly loved me why would they keep letting me down? 

And of course I know their own situations and hardships come into play. I’m not pretending this is the Claire show. But I’m aware of what they are going through, or do my best to check on them and give support how I am able. But I’m also not offering support and things that I don’t feel able to do. I don’t say one thing, just to say it and give the illusion of support, just to drop the ball because in truth I ca’t even hand my own stuff.  I know how much that can hurt, so I don’t want to do that to people I say and truly do care about. So why do they do this to me? And it’s hard to talk to them about this, for when I do bring it up I receive more WORDS of support and love. Which at the time is all they can give me. So I remain patient, in hopes that they grow to realize the harmful affects of their actions, or lack there of.